Hard to believe it's been 12 months. That sounds like such a long time, 12 month, and yet somehow I blinked and everything changed.
It all started with that video, that cheesy video we posted 12 months ago today. You all so kindly commented on how much you loved it, but we knew it was pure cheese. I remember the day we made that video, rushing to get each clip recorded before I had to head to work. I remember how the hubs worked diligently to get it done, I was like a giddy little girl waiting for the hours to pass until I could get home and see it completed. I remember anxiously waiting for the video to load, the rush of excitement the moment we hit publish and the news went viral. I remember waking up the next morning in amazement at the encouragement. I remember how you gave, gracious did you give! You bought shirts and you gave to change the life of two little people you never met. I remember it all...every moment...as if it were today.
We had no idea, not even the slightest clue of what was ahead of us. We had great hope that 2014 was going to be a great year, the best year, we were on the verge of something huge! We had no idea. We had no idea that ministry, in a place we loved, would painfully unravel. No idea that we would pack our house, not to move to another rental, but to another state. No idea I would have to leave my dream job and friends I had grown to love deeply. I had no idea that my fatigue was coming from 5lbs of tumors growing inside me, no idea my world would turn upside down just 8 months later. During one of the darkest moments in life we had no idea we would be loved on by the most amazing church family. But perhaps the hardest was having no idea that we would be at a complete stand still just 12 months after we started. The rush of excitement and activity would turn to the defening silence of uncertainty.
And now we've been given the freedom to change agencies, countries, program...to start over. We have prayed and pleaded with God for answers or movement or something to let us know what His direction is....and in His silence we are still. Our hearts are heavy, we feel helpless knowing they are there and we are here and only God knows if we will ever have the chance to hold them. And that's hard.
So here I am, 12 months later, sitting on the same couch, writing on the same page, not knowing what the next 12 months look like but understanding that I don't have to know because He does. I wish I could answers all the lingering questions. I wish I could tell my 4 year old when a sibling is coming. I wish I could explain the insanity of remaining in a program with no movement, no answers, no guarantees. I wish I could, but I can't. I can trust...I can pray...I can cry...I can plead...and I can be still.
I am grateful for these past 12 months and I'm thankful He has seen us through the hardest year of life to date. I'm thankful for these words, a constant reminder that God is present even in the silence...
"Far be it me to not believe,
even when my eyes can't see.
And this mountain thats in front of me,
will be thrown into the midst of the sea.
And through it all, through it all,
my eye are on you
And through it all, it is well
So let go my soul
and trust in Him
the waves and wind still know His name"
It Is Well - Bethel (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNqo4Un2uZI)
Thank you for hanging with us these past 12 months, we covet your prayers.